The Psychology of why he will not commit to you.

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I’m sure you know the deal. We’ve all been there. When you’ve started seeing someone and it’s going great and you want to take it to the next level, but he just will not commit. He may have told you he wants a relationship, or it may have never come up, yet he avoids the topic of being a couple like the plague. He treats you like a girlfriend but refuses to acknowledge you as such. Or you confess your feelings and he freaks out and backs off entirely. Leaving you wholly confused as you both were acting like you were together and you thought what difference would a label on this relationship make anyway? Which leads us to the confusion of WHY is he doing this? Why is he running from the relationship? Is this all just a game? Dating games are frustrating, but knowing the reason why it’s occurring means you can understand where they may be coming from without feeling like you’ve merely been taken along for a ride. 

Honestly, the truth is he is afraid. Afraid of letting you in and getting hurt. They are so scared they are allowing themselves to self sabotage the relationship for fears of falling for you- hard and then having to deal with the rejection they believe ultimately becomes of relationships.

They hold the negative belief that they will be hurt and rejected in love. That love equals rejection. So eventually you never become a “girlfriend” only ever a “friend” and you give up and move on..ultimately proving their negative worldview of relationships right again. That everyone they let in abandons them. 

These non committer’s have baggage- unfinished business with ex-partner’s and pain they have tried to ignore and bury, not work through. Have you ever been to the beach and had a beach ball? And no matter how hard you try to push the ball under the water the harder it pops back up to the surface? Imagine that beach ball is the pain of past relationships. Many people don’t know how to handle their heavy emotions after a relationship ends and don’t want to, so what they will do is distract themselves and try to ignore what’s coming up for them as best they can. This is how this pain resurfaces in their new relationships, by them not being able to commit because it’s too scary to be vulnerable with someone new and get hurt again. The pain is pushing back up to ‘protect’ them from you. Their pain stops them from seeing that you may present a much better relationship than their past experiences. But this is all they know, so they trust it.

If you’re in a relationship like this and trying to get the non committal person to commit to you, move on. I know for women often the temptation is to be there and help them through this however you’re your needs are just as important as his. You could be waiting forever for this person to decide to face their past. It’s not your fault, it’s not because you’re not good enough. They’re not choosing you because the pain of loosing you is easier for them to handle than the pain of dealing with their past trauma.

Often in relationships it can be just as much about good timing, as chemistry. You deserve someone better, someone ready to be in a relationship, who won’t compare you to their ex-partner and will take that leap of faith into the unknown with you. Move on, and you give yourself the gift of finding the right person for you quicker because you didn’t waste your time elsewhere.

Much love


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